Written by Dr. Andrew R. Wichterman, LPC

Parenting ADHD and Neurodivergent Children: Lessons from Gabor Maté and the Gospel

I will have been a father for 13 years on November 8th, 2025. At times, I have been amazing—focused on whatever my kids need, balancing their emotions like the professional that I am, and smoking meat and building furniture at the same time! Other times, I more closely resemble a frazzled, insane person. I regularly need to make a deliberate plan and take care of myself to be the former, and when things get wild and hectic—or I neglect to care for myself and my wife—the less stable and resilient I become.

In this blog, I am focused on giving therapists techniques for working with parents of ADD/ADHD and neurodivergent children. I am also writing to those therapists (and non-therapists) who have children that fit this description in their families, and to some degree, to those navigating adult ADHD as well.

Writing blogs like this is difficult because it forces me to be vulnerable. My wife and I are therapists, and we are imperfect parents with imperfect kids. We haven’t always handled ourselves well (especially me) in parenting, nor have we (especially me!) always managed our emotions well. Recently, I have been reading Gabor Maté’s Scattered Minds (2019) (Buy on Amazon), which focuses on parenting children with ADHD. In chapter 17, Maté discusses five essential parenting techniques that help parents of ADHD and neurodivergent children. Below, I will walk through them—drawing from Maté, research, and Scripture—before turning to the practical question of how parents and therapists can actually live this out.

These techniques, based in attachment theory, are specifically for parents of children who exhibit emotional and behavioral challenges. They are for parents who have tried a firm hand, a loud voice, and threats without success. These are for parents who feel they have run out of options. I have lived (and still do at times) this life. Parenting neurodivergent children can feel like desperate chaos—like swimming with sharks with no cage, like going to the carnival and the only thing there is to do is spend time with the clowns. Constant screaming, constant arguments, physical aggression galore, and the light at the end of the tunnel fading. These techniques are research-backed and widely recognized across the parenting world.

1. Parents Pursue Relationship

Children with ADHD are particularly sensitive to rejection and disconnection. Maté (2019) emphasizes that when parents proactively pursue relationship—seeking the child out with time, affection, and delight—they communicate unconditional belonging. This stabilizes the child’s nervous system, reduces hypervigilance, and creates the secure base needed for development.

I used to take my kids on “dates”—a trip to the park, a meal out, or even a simple errand. Somewhere along the way, we got too busy with extracurricular activities, church, homeschooling, and behavior management at home. I stopped without realizing it. I need to start again because our children need to see us pursue them in relationship. They need to know they are valued, important, and unconditionally loved.

This reflects the pattern of God’s love. Scripture teaches that God pursued us before we pursued Him: “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8, English Standard Version [ESV]). Calvin (1536/2008) argued that divine love originates not in human merit but in God’s gracious initiative. Imperfect parents mirror that divine love when they pursue their children first.

2. Parents Avoid Judgment

Maté (2019) warns that shame is one of the most destructive forces in a child’s life. Children with ADHD are already prone to feelings of inadequacy; constant judgment and critique fracture their sense of self further. Instead of motivating, judgment isolates. Acceptance nurtures resilience and creates space for growth.

This one is especially difficult for me. As a cognitively-driven person, judgment often feels like simply stating the obvious. But consistent critique breaks a child’s spirit. They no longer feel loved, and attachment begins to fray.

Paul reminds us, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1, ESV). Ryle (1856/1977) emphasized Christ’s gentleness toward the weak and struggling, noting that His heart leans toward compassion rather than condemnation. Imperfect parents reflect the gospel when they choose acceptance instead of relentless criticism.

3. Avoid Overpraising

While praise is important, Maté (2019) argues that overpraising creates a fragile sense of self. Children begin to believe they must continually perform in order to secure love. The result is anxiety, entitlement, or insecurity, rather than true confidence. Genuine, measured encouragement helps children internalize that they are valuable apart from performance.

Overpraise can turn children into approval-seekers, convinced they must earn love through accomplishment. Our task is to make sure praise and love are unconditional—not determined by action or achievement.

In the parable of the talents, the master’s praise is rooted in faithfulness, not worldly success: “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matt. 25:23, ESV). Willard (1991) observed that God delights in relationship with His people, not in performance. Imperfect parents can affirm their children’s effort and perseverance without teaching them that love must be earned.

4. Parent from Gentleness

Parenting from anger, Maté (2019) notes, disqualifies us in that moment. Anger withdraws presence and replaces it with fear, which undermines attachment. For a child who struggles with emotional regulation, this is devastating. Calm, gentle parenting preserves connection and builds trust.

James exhorts believers to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20, ESV). Ironside (1950) pointed out that anger rarely restores relationships; it usually destroys them. Imperfect parents, like God Himself, are called to be “slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love” (Psalm 103:8, ESV).

5. Parents Restore the Relationship

Conflict is inevitable. What matters, Maté (2019) emphasizes, is that parents move first to restore connection. When children see that nothing can sever the parent’s love, they learn security instead of fear. This pattern reduces shame and fosters resilience.

Parents forgive before being asked. They communicate through action and affection: there is nothing you can do that will push me away.

This is the heart of the gospel. “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19, ESV). Begg (2013) stresses that forgiveness is never earned—it is offered freely in Christ. Imperfect parents model this grace by rushing to restore relationship.

Parents Taking Care of Themselves and Each Other

Of course, none of these practices are sustainable if parents themselves are depleted. Maté (2019) acknowledges that parents of ADHD children often feel exhausted, guilty, and overwhelmed. Without intentional self-care, frustration and burnout make it nearly impossible to parent from presence rather than reactivity.

As therapists, we teach self-care all the time: exercise, sleep, healthy eating, relaxation. Yet we ourselves often struggle to practice it. I cannot be emotionally present with my children for hours on end if I have not taken care of myself. This morning, I went to the gym for the first time in a while. When I walked out, I was infinitely more able to handle the emotional needs of my kids than when I walked in.

Even more powerful are the spiritual disciplines: prayer, biblical meditation, sabbath, silence, solitude, and study. Foster (1998) described these not as optional extras but as means of grace—channels of God’s transforming presence. Willard (1991) insisted they are training in life with God. For parents, they are lifelines.

Take care of yourselves. Teach your clients to do the same. When imperfect parents practice self-care and these five parenting techniques, their homes will look very different in a few months.

References

Begg, A. (2013). Pathway to freedom: How God’s laws guide our lives. Moody Publishers.

Calvin, J. (2008). Institutes of the Christian religion (H. Beveridge, Trans.). Hendrickson. (Original work published 1536)

Foster, R. (1998). Celebration of discipline: The path to spiritual growth. HarperCollins.

Ironside, H. A. (1950). Expository notes on the Epistle of James. Loizeaux Brothers.

Maté, G. (2019). Scattered minds: The origins and healing of attention deficit disorder. Vintage Canada. (Buy on Amazon)

Ryle, J. C. (1977). Expository thoughts on the Gospels. Banner of Truth. (Original work published 1856)

Willard, D. (1991). The spirit of the disciplines: Understanding how God changes lives. HarperOne.