Guest Blogger Series: Dr. Audrey Davidheiser, Grieving Wholeheartedly

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Dr. Audrey Davidheiser (PhD, Fuller) is a licensed psychologist in California, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now provides IFS therapy for trauma survivors, including those with religious trauma, and assists in IFS trainings. She has been a regular writer for Crosswalk.com and columnist for iBelieve.com. She is the author of Grieving Wholeheartedly: Bringing Healing to Every Part of Your Soul.

Introducing Marianne.

Although the name is fictitious, the person is not. Marianne was a Christian who sought my help to manage anxiety. Even though she had been in therapy before, prior to working with me she had had no experience with Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. After I explained the model to her—and once she worked with her anxious part—Marianne made a memorable comment.

“I used to take Bible verses about worry and anxiety and beat my anxious part with them. Now, I listen to my part on what’s causing its anxiety, and together we surrender the fear to Jesus.”

Marianne dropped out of my practice when she moved out of state. By the time she did, however, she had obtained much relief from anxiety.

There’s a reason IFS proved to be effective with clients, Christian or otherwise. As Scripture states, “there is no wisdom or understanding or counsel against the Lord” (Proverbs 21:30, NKJV). One way of deciphering this verse is to realize that anyone who operates out of a deep well of wisdom must have obtained the access from the Most High. Real knowledge and understanding will never oppose God—in any way.

Below, you’ll see how IFS—both the standard protocol, as well as its overall gestalt—reflect biblical concepts. But let’s begin with explanations on the theory itself.

Introducing IFS
Dr. Richard Schwartz obtained his PhD in marital and family therapy and was originally trained as a family therapist (Schwartz, 1995). As he worked with clients who were diagnosed with bulimia, the seeds for IFS were planted. Schwartz found that every person has a Self. The letter S in Self is always capitalized to signify this model’s use of the word: the core of our being, the piece that remains untainted, regardless of how traumatic our history might have been.

Then there are parts, which Schwartz conceptualized as subpersonalities. Building on the work of Carl Jung and Virginia Satir, among others, Schwartz believes that the mind inherently contains multiplicity (Schwartz, 1995). That’s why we can have multiple reactions to the same stimulus at the same time. Think about taking a family vacation with the extended family. It’s possible you might feel excited about the prospect, while also dreading the emergence of a polarizing topic, while simultaneously pleased with the thought of sharing news of successes you’ve earned recently.

But is this multiplicity biblical?

Scriptural evidence suggests so. For instance, David prayed, “unite my heart to fear [God’s] name” (Psalm 86:11, ESV). Why pray for unity if our heart contains only one part to begin with? The same man also penned a beautiful ode to “bless the Lord, o my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!” (Psalm 103:1 ESV, italics added). There would have been no need for David to say all within me if there was only one thing inside him.  

On to the New Testament. Notice Paul’s parallel, how he likened the body of Christ to the human body: “Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ” (1 Corinthians 12:12). However, our God is a God of patterns. For instance, He is known as Trinity—Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Unsurprisingly, this same God made us tripartite—spirit, soul, and body (1 Thessalonians 5:23). Just as God created the human body with many different parts, the soul, too, contains many parts.

But there is more to life than parts. We each have a Self, too. IFS considers our Self as innately compassionate, courageous, curious—3 of the 8 of these C’s that describe Self. Seen from a Christian perspective, Self is our spirit, which houses the Holy Spirit.

IFS believes that healing flows when burdened parts are connected to Self. In Christian parlance, this means that healing happens when our soul—and the parts within—are connected to our spirit, which is in turn empowered by the Holy Spirit.

The 6Fs

The first part of IFS protocol, better known as the 6Fs, is designed to befriend protector parts. These are parts of the soul whose job is to protect us from the overwhelming emotions, beliefs, and memories that are held by exiles—which are our more vulnerable parts.

1. Find: which target part are we talking to?

2. Focus: focus on the target part

3. Flesh Out: what does the target part look, feel, or sound like?

These early steps are important because of their role in moving the part from something abstract to a well, fleshed-out concept. The more Marianne spent time connecting with the part that felt anxious, the more she realized it was a part in her mind that obsessed over doing her work as a financial analyst perfectly.

Biblically speaking, these steps are reminiscent of Jesus’ parable of the lost sheep (Luke 15:3-7). Rather than searching for the one lost sheep, however, an IFS therapist’s job is to find one target part among many. For instance, when Marianne wished to connect with her anxiety, I asked where anxiety seemed to emerge from her body. “The front left part of my forehead,” came her reply. That answer anchored our attention to the part, which was in her forehead.

If our clients can get a picture of what their target part is like—whether because they can see the part’s shape, hear its message, or notice how it communicates, including by creating physical sensations like tingling in arms or coldness in hands—the more they can also feel compelled to build a connection with the target part.

4. Feel Toward

The answer to the question “how do you feel toward [the target part]?” reveals whether you’re talking to your client’s Self or if another part is influencing the Self. If the answer to this question is one of the 8C’s—like compassion—the Self of the client is present. This is important to establish because only the Self can help parts that are in need.

Now to the spiritual aspect. Have you noticed how Jesus had compassion on the people He healed? (Matthew 14:14, Matthew 20:34, Mark 1:41, Luke 7:13). The Greek word for compassion, splagchnizomai, means to be moved in the inward parts—the heart, lungs, liver, and kidneys, which gradually came to indicate the seat of affections. Compassion moved Jesus to alleviate human suffering; compassion is also the key ingredient to help our Self befriend the target part.

5. Befriend

The purpose of this step is to get to know the target part more. Each part has a job, unless it’s an exile (which we’ll get to later). IFS also believes that every part means well. So, it’s important to help your client become curious about the target part’s job. What does it do for the client? How did it get its job? Does it like what it does? Does it feel appreciated?

In a way, this step is akin to evangelism. A reliable strategy, according to Greg Laurie—a Southern California pastor whose Harvest Crusades regularly pull thousands in attendance, bringing in numerous converts each time—is to dialogue with nonbelievers to befriend them first. Sharing the gospel will more likely result in a conversion this way.

6. Fears

Continuing on the same vein, what about the target part’s fears? Are there worst-case scenarios the part is afraid would happen if it stopped doing its job? The answer to this question reveals the exile this part has been protecting.

When Marianne asked her anxious part this question, the part revealed its charge: a four-year-old Marianne, who felt forgotten because Mom, a single parent, was too preoccupied with her own emotional turmoil to attend to little Marianne’s needs.

Healing Steps for Exiles

What are exiles? They are parts of our soul that are saddled with difficult feelings, memories, and beliefs. For instance, remember Marianne’s young part that felt neglected by her mom? That was one of her exiles.

1. Befriending/Building Trust

Like with the protector part earlier, it’s imperative for Self to also build trust with the exile. Just as clients don’t typically unload their most shameful secret in the first therapy session, exiles won’t confide in Self unless there’s established trust.

2. Witnessing

The word witnessing in the context of IFS means listening to the exile’s story with an open heart. This is what Marianne did when she listened to her four-year-old part. Her part described how it felt responsible to shield Mom from whatever the part felt, because Mom was always busy with work and Marianne’s baby brother. The part learned to dismiss her own needs because her mother’s and baby brother’s took precedence. Later, Marianne shared how hearing from her exile helped her remember how acutely lonely she felt as a child, because she didn’t have anyone to nurture her.

A do-over is optional and can be done in this step. Marianne did hers by offering her friendship to the four-year-old part. In Marianne’s mind she went through a day in the part’s life together. The part showed her how it was used to playing by itself after Mom picked it up from day care. Marianne felt badly for her part and shared this emotion with the part. She further assured her part that if it shared its feelings with Marianne, the adult Marianne—her Self—would do what she could to help the part feel better.

I prompted Marianne to check with her part if the latter liked this do-over. The part said yes.

3. Retrieval

Most exiles live in the past. They’re living as though the hurt is still active and ongoing. That’s why it’s helpful to offer a retrieval for the exile: “would you like to leave the past behind?” This move is done imaginably, with the client’s Self leading the way. In Marianne’s case, once she gained her young exile’s approval, she retrieved the part from their dinky apartment—where Marianne grew up—to live with her in her condo in the 21^st century.

This step embodies 2 Corinthians 5:17, “Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (NLT).

4. Unburdening & Invitation

These two steps exemplify Jesus’ words in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” The exile is invited to unburden with Self leading the way.

In Marianne’s case, she asked her four-year-old part if the part was ready to unburden. The part agreed and released loneliness, as well as the feeling that nobody cared for her.

Next comes invitation of essential qualities. Now that the burden is gone, there’s room in the exile for positive qualities that it can use. It’s common for exiles to invite the opposite quality of whatever it was burdened by. Marianne’s exile (the four-year-old part) invited joy and cheerfulness to counteract sadness.

Here’s what’s noteworthy: IFS training teaches us that for these qualities to come into our clients, all they need to do is breathe them in.

Does this remind you of anything? How about faith? Without knowing it, clients who invite positive qualities and then breathe them in are exercising faith that this step works. According to the Hebrews 11:1, “Trusting is being confident of what we hope for, convinced about things we do not see” (CJB). Likewise, IFS clients confidently breathe in the qualities they want. When I checked with my clients afterwards if they felt any differently, many reported feeling lighter, happier, or more settled.

5. Integration

Once the exile is unburdened, it’s time to ask protector parts—that is, the parts that had been protecting the specific exile—to see how the exile is doing now. After discovering that the exile is doing better than ever, these parts often opt to unburden too, because their old job is no longer necessary. In Isaiah 61:1 (and Luke 4:18) Jesus declared His mandate to declare freedom for the prisoners. Exiles are a type of prisoner; once they’re freed—unburdened, in IFS parlance—there’s no need for their protectors to stand guard anymore. That’s why protector parts usually choose to do something else instead following an exile’s unburdening. (For a more extended analysis of Isaiah 61 through an IFS lens, refer to my December 2025 Substack post).

Beyond the Protocol

IFS protocol isn’t the only thing that reflects biblical principles. The gestalt of the model does too. For instance:

1. IFS Reflects the Savior’s Tenderness

That’s because this model is very gentle—and respectful of every part of the soul. IFS therapists present parts with the possibility of living a freer life but don’t badger any of them to change. Instead, we persevere in patience until our clients’ parts decide to give change a chance.

2. IFS Weans Clients Off Providers

While in graduate school I worked as a psychological assistant at a clinic that served a low-income population. Supervisors—that is, licensed psychologists and MFTs—utilized a particular modality that viewed healing transpiring via the relationship between the therapist and client. As such, trainee therapists were routinely taught to encourage our clients’ dependence on therapy. During one supervision session I discussed a client who wasn’t getting better. My supervisor’s solution was for me to tell the client to come to therapy more frequently.

“But she doesn’t have the money,” I countered.

I’ll never forget what my supervisor said in response. “My clients got two and three jobs so they could afford seeing me multiple times a week.”

Encouraging our clients to depend on us goes against Jesus’ words in Matthew 23:8-10, “But you are not to be called ‘Rabbi,’ for you have one Teacher, and you are all brothers. And do not call anyone on earth ‘father,’ for you have one Father, and he is in heaven. Nor are you to be called instructors, for you have one Instructor, the Messiah.”

The principle here is that we’re to depend on God—and treat one another as equals. But the therapeutic relationship is inherently unequal. The therapist possesses more power than the client. This inequality is one reason it’s imperative for therapists to work ourselves out of our jobs—helping our clients get better would eliminate their need to be in therapy.

This is what IFS does. Because the model believes that everyone has a Self and that healing comes from the Self of the client, clients don’t need to depend on their therapists to obtain more healing. Yes, clients started IFS therapy because they needed the guidance of a professional who’s skilled in the model. But as time goes on, and once they become more adept at working with their own internal systems, clients can begin to do the internal work themselves, without the active involvement of a therapist.

3. IFS Operates by Invitation

Have you noticed how anyone that’s not inspired by God tends to force humanity to adopt their will? Whether it’s King Nebuchadnezzar in the book of Daniel or the beast in the book of Revelation, these characters imposed their will on everyone under their control.

Not so with God. Or IFS. The model works so effectively because it invites our clients, and their parts, to do the steps. Self-led IFS therapists will not force their will on their clients (or the clients’ parts).

IFS Changes Lives

I had the privilege of leading a grief class based on my new book, Grieving Wholeheartedly: Bringing Healing to Every Part of Your Soul. The participants, all Christians, were new to IFS. Once the class progressed and the members grew a better grasp of the model, I began to hear positive feedback. Perhaps their comments can be summarized in one statement: “Grieving wholeheartedly changed my life.”

That comment came from a trauma survivor who lost her house not once, but twice. I can’t fully elucidate the satisfaction I get from knowing that this strong woman of God has benefited from the class and my book, both based on IFS.

Much more can be said about how the Bible speaks of emotional healing, which we can better appreciate if we also understand IFS. But for now, let’s close with the word of Jesus. Matthew 11:19 states that “wisdom is proved right by her deeds.” This saying means whether or not you did a wise thing will be proven by the outcome of your action.

IFS changes the life of those who do it—mine included. After prayerfully inspecting the model in light of Scripture, I submit that the reason IFS can induce such radical transformations is because its principles are based on the Word of God.